Sunflower Skates

Tracking my goals and progress as an adult figure skater

My figure skating insecurities

Much like my post on fighting imposter syndrome on the ice, this post is based on thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around my head the past couple of months. In fact, it's almost an antithesis to that post entirely (strange how feelings can completely change in such a short amount of time.)

When I wrote that post, I felt like I had progressed too fast in a short amount of time. Now, four months later, I feel the exact opposite. I feel like it's taken me far too long to get to where I currently am.

I'm starting to fall behind on my goals. A combination of fear, injury, inability and extraneous factors have slowed down my progression, causing me to spend 11 weeks on Level 6, and I'm now going into my 6th week on Level 8. My overall skating goal was to pass Skate UK within a year of starting, and even though I have only one element left on 8, I'm starting to worry that I won't hit my February deadline, especially since a lot of skaters who started a few months after me surpassed me weeks ago.

And speaking of other skaters, I constantly worry that none of them like me. I've made one very good friend, and there's a couple of others who I'll chat to and practice with intermittently, but every so often I'll scroll through Instagram and see photos of groups of them together and wonder why I wasn't invited. I wish I'd made more of an effort to make friends when I first started, but feelings of insecurity, not being good enough to be friends with them, held me back. And now it's too late. I cringe at the idea of them finding this post and realising what a huge loser I am.

Another big (no pun intended) root of my insecurity is my weight. A recent trip to the doctor revealed that I now weigh over 13 stone, putting me towards the far end of the 'overweight' category for my BMI. It doesn't help that my current skates aren't built to support such weight when jumping, and I need to fork out again for new ones after only 8 months. I'm also incredibly self-conscious - it took me up until level 6 to allow myself to wear leggings to practice.

Finally, and possibly the worst insecurity for me is my bust. Skating is a sport focused heavily on posture, and I've spent so many years holding myself in positions to minimise and cover my chest that the thought of skating with my shoulders back and chest out makes me feel physically sick. I don't want to be noticed. I make self-deprecating jokes about remembering my sports bra so I don't knock myself out when jumping, but it's a real concern. I often worry about how I'm going to fit into little outfits for shows and competitions. The majority of figure skaters have lithe, petite bodies, and competition costumes simply aren't made to fit an L waist with an XXXL chest.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to start working on these insecurities. I know I want to progress, lose weight and make friends, but I just don't know how. It's helped to write these things down though, so hopefully that's the first step towards conquering them.

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